So I've spent a lot of time thinking about parenting styles lately. I worry that my own style is somehow damaging the young psyche of my children, and that I'll be responsible for their therapists bills one day. I'm the "laugh when they are funny, love 'em when they cry, and discipline them when they are naughty" kind of parent. However, that doesn't always line up with how others parent. First of all, we all define "naughty" in totally different ways. I think my definition of naughty is infinitely "more conservative" than others...until it comes to my youngest, and then I feel like that kitten hanging from a high limb praying not to drop...praying we both make it another day. I love her spunk and her high-spirited ways, but oh my, her spunk and her high-spirited ways might be the death of me...and her! I think my husband calls us "stubborn." Hmmm. Whatever. Either way, it still makes me think long and hard about HOW I parent this wonderfully unique little girl, along with her older brother and sister with all of their interesting talents, and different personalities.
Anyway, I was thinking about this again today in my, ahem, "office," and I pondered how we quit responding to our children. Nothing is urgent anymore. I used to dash off to check on them if I heard even the slightest whimper. Now, I hear a child scream and I stop and think, "What kind of scream was that?" I hear a thud and I yell, "Everyone okay?" I don't leave whatever I'm doing to go see. I wait a reasonable amount of time to see if anyone responds before heading out to check on them. My child says, "MOM! I cut myself!" And I yell, "Is it gushing or a slow bleed?" Someone cries for me to come and I say, "Not now, I'm busy." I realized that there's only one thing in our house that causes all of our family members to jump into action. And I mean, immediately. It's teamwork all the way. The big motivating announcement is "There's NO toilet paper in this bathroom!" You suddenly hear everyone scrambling into action and saying, "I'll be right there!" Then you hear the teamwork..."Did you have any in your bathroom?" "NO, what about you?" "No." "Okay, I'll grab some tissues from upstairs," and then they report back in, "Hey, it's okay - we are getting it! It's coming! Hang on!" As if no toilet paper is the "end all" of events. It's AS IF someone needs medical attention. Why? Why is THIS the "big unifier?"
I decided it's because it crosses all barriers...age, gender, position, etc. This is the ONE thing we can ALL relate to. We've ALL been there. We get it. When you are done, you are done, and it's time to get up and this is the ONE thing between you and freedom...a roll of toilet paper. No one wants to be stuck. And so we are all on the same team. So how do we re-organize our families so that we get back on the same team in just everyday simple acts of kindness? How do we begin again to teach our children to be team players, working in unison for a common goal? Well, it begins with parenting. We need to start responding again. We need to re-engage with our children and though the goal is not that we become slaves to their requests, but that we become team members with a common goal of supporting one another. We have to teach them what love looks like, and teamwork, and selflessness, and kindness. It's hard work. We start with how we treat our spouses, and our friends and our neighbors, but we don't reserve our acts of kindness for those next door, we begin, too, with our children. They must witness, first hand, a love that responds.
After all, we are all on the same team. One day, with luck, I'll be old and will need someone to hold my hand and wipe my spit and brush my hair. If I expect my children to be "responders" to that old lady I hope to become, I must teach them what being a "responder" looks like now, while they are young. They need to learn what the meaning of family is from me. So today, my "toilet paper revelation" will be to get back in the game and start responding to my children and getting off the couch and out of the kitchen for events MORE important than "no toilet paper." Maybe they won't need therapy after all...
